Regret and Suicide

This is my first recorded tragedy.

As I sit here and stare at the blinking marker on the screen I am struggling to find the words to say.
Two years ago I had four grandparents, today I have one.
I know that there are worse things- a college friend's mother died suddenly of a heart attack this past Wednesday and I attended the funeral Saturday- two days ago. That would be much worse at my age than the loss of a grandparent...however, may I just say, it hurts deeply.

At 2pm I was alerted to the fact that something was wrong by my Mom. I called to let her know my eta from Dallas to Houston and she told me that the neighborhood picnic we were hosting for Memorial Day had been called off. My Dad was on a plane headed to Arkansas- his Dad was not doing well. Concerned I had an idea that something was not right, but because I was supposed to be driving, my Mom said that was all and ended the call.

When I walked in the front door my Mom came and greeted me and my friend (who had carpooled with me). Encouraging him to stay for dinner I walked into the kitchen and noticed my three sisters gathered around the table- with red eyes. Red flags and bells went off in my mind.
"Are y'all ok? Did something happen?" -I asked.
"Ask Mom." one sister whispered.

Right there, with my poor friend standing in the kitchen, my Mom said. "Oh, Hannah, sweetie, Grandad's gone!"
"What? What happened? How?" -The words stumbled out of my mouth.
"Don't you want to sit down?"- she asked.
"No, I've been sitting for four hours, tell me!"
"Grandad shot himself, he's gone."- she said and all 5 pairs of eyes were zoned on me waiting for my response.

I didn't cry. Just said "Oh" and moved to get some milk to drink. I couldn't think about it/ didn't want to yet.

My poor friend thankfully stayed and the subject was changed as we ate a light dinner (two bites of pie for me) and watched a funny youtube video. Then my friend was suddenly gone, some phone calls were made, and my status on facebook was updated for the first time in four days.

I thought I had cried all I was going to for a while tonight, but just ten minutes ago I happened to look at the mirror in my room and on it I had written a to-do list two weeks ago. At the top of the list "Call both Grandads"- and now I can't. I called my Grandad Carswell and bawled earlier tonight or else I would've called right then. I hadn't heard my Grandad Beard's voice in about 10 months- and now I will never have another conversation with him on this Earth.

He was a wonderful Christian man who missed his wife (the first of my Grandparents to die 25 months ago), was retired with too much time to think, had poor hearing and eyesight, and though my Aunt lived with him- was lonely. Apparently he had been sick for a little while too.

So he spread a tarp, took out one of his hunting guns, and ended the physical existence of one of my favorite grandparents. I will always remember how he'd hug me till it hurt and say, "You are so special and I sure do love you!" and "Keep it between the ditches!" as we'd leave after a visit.

Pray for my family!