Making the Call

"If I'd come earlier, would everyone who died...could I have stopped that?"

"We can never know what would have happened, Lucy. But what will happen is another matter entirely."

This is from a conversation between Aslan & Lucy (Chronicles of Narnia- Prince Caspian). It echos the conversation I've had with God at least a dozen times since last May.

The day before my Grandad shot himself, I had a sudden urge to call him. I had never had urges like that before. It was confusing. But I was visiting with one of my dearest friends and thought: I'll call him tomorrow night when I get home. I haven't seen this girl in forever and today is our last full day...

If I'd only known there wouldn't be a tomorrow. If I'd only known that that was my last chance! Was that urge to call him from God? Did I ignore a prompting from the Holy Spirit and in doing so, allow my Grandad to kill himself?? Could I have stopped that?? If I had called my Grandad and told him how much I loved and missed him- would he have avoided killing himself? Would it just have been put off and still have happened? I will never know. I'm so tempted to wallow in guilt and blame myself for his death. How glad I am that I can't know- I would feel like a murderer if I knew I could've saved him if I'd just called. I miss him. What a horrible enemy Death is! A thief- robbing me of one of my greatest mentors and friends.

I have flashbacks to days of fishing. Getting up at 3am to go walking with him...and jogging the whole way because he was so tall and walked so fast. Watering tomatoes in the searing Ozark heat. Trying different meats like deer, squirrel & raccoon that he'd caught or a friendly neighbor gave us. (Coon was the best one, but the meat was gray...weird.)

I have memories of him quoting passages of scripture- especially Psalm 23 & the Sermon on the Mount (in Matthew). Of riding in his pick-up down to Greers Ferry Lake where he'd lead a small Sunday service for the campers. Of singing. Of curling up in old knit blankets and piling family into that tiny living room for meals where we kids would sit on the floor around the coffee table for supper. Of the tire swing he, my Dad and my uncles built one afternoon- and the many hours my cousins and I spent playing on it. Of visiting him randomly when I was doing a Summer Training Program with the Navs in Branson to go fishing! Of his giant hands and his hugs that were so tight they hurt. Of the way he'd drawl: "You sure are special! I love you."

Now I have memories of looking at that peaceful face. Too scared to touch him, but too torn to walk away. Of red-rimmed eyes on my family members. Of humid Ozark heat as we walked to the grave-site. Of looking at the grave marker. Of his big empty chair. And I have a cane fishing pole- the one thing that I requested of his.

How deeply I echo Lucy's question. I swallow tears as I write this. Why didn't I just call him? I missed my last chance to talk to him!! It's something that I regret. Deeply.

As C.S. Lewis wrote: "We can never know what would have happened...But what will happen is another matter entirely."

I have to change my mindset. I have to persevere. I cannot think about what might have been- I must focus on right now. My Grandad is no longer here. I need to give my time to the people who are. Family, friends, co-workers and strangers. That is what I'm here for. I need to fill myself with God's Word and learn more about Him so that I am ready in season and out to share with those around me. God gives and He takes away- blessed be the Name of the Lord.

I want you to know that you are special. You are loved. You are sought after by the Author of Creation!!! "Christ feels strongly about His followers and possesses a holy craving toward us." - James: Mercy Triumphs,Moore p. 58 

What a miracle! Don't despair! Life is hard- Jesus said it would be- but He also said that His burden is light. So, instead of spending the rest of my life wondering if I could have saved my Grandad- I must choose to tune in to God's will for my life and start fresh each morning- searching for the opportunities He's going to give me. I'm not saying I won't fail. I'm not saying I won't cry again about not making that phone call. But I won't let it run my life. That's not who I am created to be. 

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4