Letting Go

It was the last day with Bonnie on Friday. I had tried to take the day off, but I had a banquet for work that evening. I got all ready & then cried all my make-up off. I fixed it, but while my sister was helping me curl my hair I broke down again and ruined my make-up a second time. "If I didn't have to pick one of my coworkers up or deliver these flowers for the banquet, I'd stay home!" I said as I grabbed my make-up bag and determined to put it on later. I never got to- all pictures of me from that banquet should be destroyed...

After the banquet, I spent the evening with my dog, torn between wanting to stay away so saying good-bye would be easier or spending the night on the cement floor of the garage just to be near her. Saturday came too soon. I spent much of the morning with Bonnie & told my Dad that if we were going to take her to the vet, it needed to be in the morning or late afternoon...part of me wanted him to pick the afternoon.

"Ok, give me 20 minutes to eat some lunch and then we'll go" he said. Shocked I went outside and sat on a stepping stone with Bonnie leaning against me. She had no reason to think anything was abnormal, but as she's always done when I'm stressed, she patiently waited by my side with her head on my knee.


Dr. Hill & Robyn, the two ladies at the veterinary clinic eyed me & my Dad as we struggled with the thought of putting Bonnie down. We knew it was the right thing to do, but how horrible to have to make such a choice! Of course they had options that would cost hundreds of dollars and give Bonnie anywhere from 1 week to 3 months...but we didn't see the sense in prolonging her pain.

"We'll take her in the back to put a catheter in & go ahead and give her the sedation drugs so she'll be really sleepy when we bring her back in for you to say good-bye." they said as they spread a blanket on the floor. Gritting my teeth I nodded and gave Bonnie a final pat as they led her away.

My Dad wanted to remember good times & talk about funny memories we have of Bonnie while we waited, but I just wanted to sit still and keep from crying. We were shocked when they brought her back in the room and she was wide awake- secretly I was pleased. "She was such a sweetheart, we figured we'd do the sedation shots in here with y'all so you get a few extra minutes. Are you sure you don't want us to leave you with her for a little while?" "No." I answered quickly. "We've been saying good-bye for weeks." I couldn't go through with it if we didn't do it then.

The vet went through the explanation of the 3 different shots she had - a saline shot to make sure the catheter worked, the sedation drug, and lastly, the drug that would take Bonnie's life. A large pink tube which I hated with all my being.

After the first two shots, the vet became concerned because Bonnie wasn't going to sleep. She left to go and get some more of the second drug while Dad, Robyn-the vet tech, and I stayed there on the floor stroking Bonnie. After a few more minutes, Bonnie seemed to be sleeping and I told my Dad, "I can't stay. I don't want to see them give her the last shot. I just can't watch her die!" "Ok, Sweetie. We can leave when you're ready." I stood up & got my purse then knelt to place a final kiss on Bonnie's soft head. But she sensed my distress- as all good dogs do and fighting the sleeping drug she raised her head knowing something was wrong. I lost it. It was hard to see through the tears. Robyn handed me a tissue. I couldn't leave Bonnie while she was conscious. So we stayed another five minutes until she finally slept. The vet came back in and Robyn asked me if I wanted the collar. "Just the dog tags," I said.

As if it were a formal funeral, the assistant unbuckled Bonnie's collar and handed me the collar and leash as they would hand a widow the American flag at her military husband's funeral...We were ushered out the back of the building so we wouldn't have face anyone.

I have had so many moments where I've thought of my dog this week. I'd think, "It's a perfect day to be outside with Bonnie..." and then remember she's not here. Or a sibling would say, "I can't finish this meat..." and I'd think- Bonnie will eat it! Even this morning when I grabbed a banana I thought, I'll give Bonnie a piece of this and check her water bowl...only to be slapped in the face with the reality that she's gone. We haven't gotten rid of her dog house yet, but my Dad kindly went through the yard and garage and collected all her toys and food bowls and put them in the trash to remove those visual reminders.

It is SO hard to let go. I loved that dog. It hurt when I lost my grandparents- very much, but I only saw them 2-3 times per year. I spent most of my life with my dog. Don't get me wrong- I miss ALL of them. I KNOW I'll see all three of my Grandparents in Heaven because of our belief in Christ Jesus as our Savior...but I don't know about Bonnie. What does God do with dogs? I'm not sure I believe in our pets going to Heaven- I'd like to, but I know that they don't have human souls...and if an exception is made for my dog, then what about the billions of other animals God created? I haven't read anything in the Bible that tells me about this & I'm not really trying to open a can of worms. Just musing a bit.

I'm sorry about all the bleak posts of late. I have a special surprise for my next post, but that will have to wait.