The Trouble with Squirrels

I go back and forth between thinking that squirrels are either cute, or that they are evil rats with fluffy tails.*

I have a beautiful weeping dwarf almond tree. My Mom and I discovered it at a nursery last year. It was bare save for a single pink blossom & I begged her to let me bring it home! I'm pretty excited about it. But so are the squirrels. It hasn't given any nuts yet, but it's got some young shoots (which the squirrels like to eat). And since it is not even 5 feet tall, it would not take long for a single squirrel to nip the buds off my tree.

This week I spotted one of the furballs near the base of it and an argument began that went something like this:

I opened the back door and hollered:
"Hey! You!"
(very unladylike I know...but I've been hollering out of windows since I was a toddler and old habits die hard...)**

The cheeky squirrel stood up on his hind legs and looked at me.

"Yes, you...get away from my almond tree!"

The rodent gave a "Who me?" look before turning and hopping onto the trunk of my tree.

"Ahhh! No. Not for you. You will not touch it!" and by this time I was out the door and moving towards him.

Hanging upside down on the trunk of my little tree, he shook his tail.

"I mean it! Get off, Buster!"

Suddenly he hopped down and moved to the left towards a bigger tree.

"That's right. Mess with any of the other trees. The almond is mine!"

I turned my back and walked back towards the house. Reaching the porch I turned again and discovered the sneaky thing headed back towards my almond!

"No you don't. How dare you?! I..."

And while I was in the middle of remonstrating him the rodent did a flying leap and kicked my almond tree with his back feet before landing in the grass and facing me. His little beady eyes shone with triumph at this great insult he'd just inflicted. (I have this theory that squirrels know all about tone of voice.) He knew my outraged cries for what they were and celebrated. Practically yawning in my face, he trotted to the right and away from my tree. I slowed my scolding...

As I stopped, he suddenly whirled back around running towards my tree and leaping, kicked it mid-jump with his back feet! AGAIN!

"That does it! You hairball! Just you wait- Im going to get a pellet gun and then'll we'll see who's boss!" I charged him and sent him scampering halfway up one of the larger trees.

Of course...I don't think I could ever shoot anything besides a skeet, but I won't let him know that!

Squirrels are such brassy creatures and take huge risks. There are probably half a dozen stories I could share but I will only share one more. There is one squirrel I will never forget: Stumpy. He didn't have a name until after this incident.

Our nextdoor neighbors had a dachshund named Penny. She was incredibly verbal- when inside her fence- and thought of herself as intimidating. These neighbors had a birdfeeder in the corner of their yard- in perfect sight of our living room windows. Birds enjoyed it, all right, but the most frequent customer was a squirrel. This squirrel was very cocky.

Everyday he'd perch on the feeder and hang his tail over the side...just out of reach of little Penny's snapping jaws. And snap she did! She would bark up a storm while the fat squirrel sat and scoffed and chewed sunflower seeds. For months we'd hear her barking and know- the squirrel was there.

But one day, something happened! I'm not sure how it did, but we just happened to be watching!! Either the squirrel's tail had grown a bit longer or he'd never let it relax all the way before or Penny was suddenly able to jump an inch higher... Penny came tearing down the yard as usual sounding the alarm and the squirrel just smirked and chewed his seeds...but his smirk suddenly changed into squeaks of pain as he found his beautiful tail in the mouth of the insulted canine!!

My sisters and I gasped and yelled, "She got it!!" and watched in horror as she dragged him off the feeder. But she bit too hard and Stumpy was so terrified that he left 1/3 of his tail in her teeth!

Scampering up the chain-link fence and across the alley he climbed our fence and then fell. You see, squirrels can't walk along narrow high places without their tails- they depend upon them for balance! Poor Stumpy waddled and fell off the fence over and over again, eventually disappearing from sight. We never expected to see him again.

However, a few weeks later he was back- and with his shorter tail he was definitely untouchable and knew it! Obviously he'd only learned part of his lesson- and poor Penny, having tasted a bit of victory, never gave up. But she never caught him again! And we dubbed him: Stumpy. He became the fattest squirrel in the neighborhood- obviously people pitied him the loss of part of his beautiful tail...


*As much as an animal lover can think of creatures as 'evil' anyway...

**I was a friendly kid and just trying to be neighborly (instead of taking my nap). Mom had the windows open because it was a beautiful day and I could just see out them if I gripped the sill and stood on my toes. Spotting a neighbor I hollered "Hi, Mr. Man!"...and unknowingly gave away the fact that I was NOT napping...