Alterations

Sometimes I think I’ll reach a finish line in life. I’ll complete everything I need to and then sit back and relax and enjoy the ‘rest of my life.’

But the problem is: this IS the rest of my life! I’m in it RIGHT NOW! Any goals I have made or want to make- I should be pursuing them now, not putting them away for ‘later.’

I can become easily disappointed with myself when I make mistakes or miss my goals. It’s so tempting to wallow in despair when things don’t go as planned or I make a mistake twice. The self-deprecation is on overdrive when that happens. Thankfully, I am not defined by my goals and/or mistakes.

As I stood in front of the floor-length mirrors watching the lady pin my bridesmaid dress up in preparation for its alteration this afternoon, my brain kicked in. Life is full of alterations. As my Dad has said, “You can’t just set a ship in one direction and walk away from the wheel. You have to take into account the weather and currents (as well as objects that need to be avoided) and adjust the rudder constantly.”

This morning in church, my heart was touched by the testimony of our newest staff member. As that young man (how old am I to call someone a ‘young man’??) shared his story about how he had reached for everything life had to offer and realized that it did not bring the happiness he thought, he struck home. With a musical being published by a major theater and a dream job, he found himself depressed and empty. And it was in the midst of what should have been a joyful and proud moment that he realized- it’s all ashes. That emptiness that he was trying to fill could only be filled by God.

My heart echoed that story. How often am I thrown off course? How often do I get too busy to spend some time reading my Bible or memorizing God’s word? How often after I’ve missed one quiet time do I miss another- consumed with guilt and shame because I missed the first? Why do I neglect my relationship with God? All that time God is there waiting for me- willing to fill that empty-ness that comes upon me when I lose sight of my purpose here on Earth.

So I’m turning my rudder again. I’m allowing God to alter my course and strengthening my relationship with Him. Life is much more wonderful when I follow His plan! My pastor says, “The Gospel isn’t something you add to your life- when added it takes over your life. …This generation is cynical about Christianity and the church because they haven’t experienced an encounter with Christ.” I do not want to add to the cynicism. Paul says:

 1 Timothy 4:16 “Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this, you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you.” “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.” 2 Timothy 2:15

I want to accurately handle His truth!

By God’s Grace and For His Glory,

Hannah

My Emotionless Semester

I never thought I'd see a psychiatrist. I was strong. I was good at holding in my emotions and being the "tough one" for my sisters' sake- especially after my Dad's tumor (see Breaking Point).

I'm the kind of person that holds pain and anger inside. But I remember my last Spring semester of college when my world turned upside down.

My baby sister needed to have back surgery- doctors were surprised that she had the back problems she did.

My Granny B was dying of cancer.

I was "lightly emotionally abused sexually" by the associate of the professor I was working for- I quit after a week and didn't exlain to my prof what had happened and refused to take my paycheck telling him to mark my time as "volunteer work".

I got very sick.

A guy and I were mutually interested in each other, but he was confusing me.

Naturally this was all very distracting from my studies and they began to plummet.

I turned to exercise- running. I ran from all my problems. I pushed myself so hard that I collapsed one night out on the golf course, dizzy and exhausted. Weakly I made my way to a pavilion by the dorms and called a friend who lived in the nearest dorm, "Can you let me in so I can walk through your building instead of going around it? I'm not feeling well." That friend and another came to my rescue. They brought me fries and a milkshake (comfort food at its finest) and let me sit on the cement floor of the pavilion and shake. I couln't cry.

It wasn't until a few weeks later, when my Dad called about my Granny B's passing away, that I lost control. I couldn't take it anymore. My roomie, Kristin, held me as I sobbed. She and another friend, Elana, had been very worried about me the past week. They had threatened to force me to watch The Passion of the Christ, just to make me cry. After a stormy 30 minutes of sobs, I swallowed back the pain. Again, ashamed of the tears, too hurt to breathe or focus.

I skipped all of my classes for a week.

I didn't know too much about panic attacks or depression, but I gained firsthand experience that semester. I was part of a Bible study leadership team with The Navigators and during our meetings I rarely spoke. I listened to the others but I was doing the bare minimum so that I could show up and see their faces. I searched their faces subtlely at the meetings memorizing their smiles. I'd smile back, but it was half-hearted. I was so emotionally detached, I don't know if they knew. Finally, somehow I decided to go and see one of the free psychiatrists on campus. I needed to spill my entire story to someone unemotionally attached to me. I filled out the paperwork and wrote a synopsis of why I needed to see a psyciatrist.

She came and got me. A tall, willowy blonde woman and led me up to her office-a large space with a huge comfortable looking couch in a pattern that reminded me of Arizona or New Mexico. A tiny water fountain ran in the corner and the lighting was natural, but muted. "This doesn't seem so bad." I thought. "Now I just need to tell her my story and..." I didn't know what would happen after that.

"Well, Hannah, I read your paperwork- you have a LOT going on. How are you doing?" she asked me. And I lost it. All of my self-control. Weeks worth of tears came. I cried because I was hurting, I cried because I was confused. I cried because I was missing my Granny. I cried because I was afraid I'd fail all of my classes. I cried because I was exhausted. I cried because I was scared. I cried more than I've ever cried in one sitting and all that in front of a complete stranger. She stayed in her chair and handed me a tissue box.

Who knew crying could be so cathartic? I finally was able to talk. I told her what was going on and she walked me through my feelings- something that I was embarrassed about and didn't think was necessary. She wrote notes for my professors telling them that I had missed class due to emotional stress, had seen her about it, and would be making up the missed work. She offered me medicine but I turned that down. I didn't need medication to help me cope- I'd just needed an outsider to ask me some questions that would help wake up my brain and let me vent.

I wrote an apology note to my Navigator friends giving them a little bit of information about what had been going on that semester and why I had been so detached. I told them that I was going to try to do better. "You don't need to apologize" one of the guys told me and my tears (suddenly thinking they had the right to show up whenever they felt like it) sprang to my eyes. I looked down embarrassed and trying to hide them, muttered thanks and moved on.

I don't know why I'm sharing this. Perhaps because it's freeing to write it down and whenever I feel stressed I remember this time? I do know one thing. During that time in my life I found this Bible verse and I clung to it.

 

 

Isaiah 30:18 "Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him."

 

 

In all that time, I DID seek the Lord. I longed for Him more than I ever had because I could not handle my life at the point in time. I am so grateful for the friends He placed in my life who kept an eye on me and encouraged me through it all. I hope that in your times of stress or pain that you know the Lord and can call on Him to help you. I also hope that you have a church/friends that you can rely on to pray with and for you. God is always there. He never changes. Blessed be His name! No matter what: long for Him, my friends!!

Lost in New York

I file behind my small group, trying to fit into the subway. It's March. I'm in New York. It's freezing.

I can't believe I got to go. It was a trip that came almost out of nowhere. I was preparing to go home for Spring Break and was approached about an opportunity to attend a conference- in New York! A city I'd always heard about, seen on the news and in movies- that's where all the superheros live, you know. And there are taxis! I mean, I've seen a few taxis in my lifetime, but not as many or as yellow as they are in New York.

The conference was fun. We sat and listened to people pray and sing and preach and teach. We were given a few hours to tour the city and my mentor, Sonia, and her husband were our tour guides. About a dozen of us filed out of the Soul Saving Station in Harlem, NY and headed for the subway. We passed the Apollo Theater on the way. I had no idea where we were, exactly, but I didn't worry about it since I was with a group. I should have. I'm always careful now.

The day was a blur- we didn't have time to do everything so we pretty much looked as we walked, rarely stopping. I saw the Statue of Liberty, the Bull from Wall Street (I think it's been sold and moved since then), Ground Zero, the Rockerfeller Center, Times Square, went inside the Trump building and the Apple Store, walked through a corner of Central Park while eating a hotdog, passed a couple of beautiful churches, and several other famous places that I would have to google the names of because I am no New York expert. It was while we were walking past Tiffany's that we heard the CRASH. We stopped on the sidewalk and stared at the intersection. A taxi cab had just slammed into the back of a VERY nice car. Car doors were thrown open, a couple of policemen came running and it was very loud. The New York accent is pretty strong when they're upset. One of the last places we browsed through was Chinatown- where I was forced to buy a purse.*

Finally, we were all exhausted from walking all afternoon and on a schedule to get back for the next session. However, we caught rush hour traffic. I had put my purse into my friend Serge's backpack since I was wearing my Mom's snow jacket. It's hard to carry a purse when you have a few extra inches (a foot!) of padding where your arm used to be... So there I was, waiting to get in when suddenly I knew- there was NO more room on the subway and all of my group was on board. Glancing down to my left I saw Serge and a few more from our group just stepping into the next car. Suddenly I had the speed and agility of Spiderman himself as I raced down to the next car. I could see there was going to be no room for me. The subway was about to leave and Serge was just putting his first leg into the car when I grabbed the handle of his backpack in terror.


***************

We interrupt this moment to point out a few things you may not have noticed

a) I don't know where I am or where I'm going

b) My money and phone are in Serge's backpack

c) I have a very big fear of crowds and New York has LOTS of people

d) I am panicking

Ok, now that you have the facts, let's continue.

****************


With my newfound strength I hauled Serge backwards off that subway. Thankfully, Serge is goodnatured. I didn't knock him down so he was fine, just a little disoriented. He too now realized that we were both not going to fit on the subway and then the doors closed. We waved at the friends in that car and then at the friends in the next car as they sped past us saying something and making motions I couldn't hear or understand. Serge had the good sense to remember where we came from and also had a map so he knew which subway we needed to catch. We took the very next one. It was almost empty. We both sat down and stared at the subway tiles flashing by and the occasional OLD wooden walls...I can definitely understand why so many people use New York as a setting for their books and movies...the subway felt like a roller coaster without the giant hills or loops.

Unfortunately, we were taking forever to get back and our subway kept stopping at EVERY station. See, we had not fit on the Express for a reason...everyone who's anyone knows that that is the one you want if you're going all the way across the city, which we were. A sketchy looking man was sitting across from us and watching us. I stared at my gloves, the floor, out the window...he was pretty intent. Then at the next stop, he moved over and sat next to me. I swallowed my panic and peeked at him. The man smiled a grin with a couple teeth missing and some gold ones flashing. Serge was busy looking at the map.

"Where are you going?" the man addressed us both. Serge told him and the man told us all about how we needed to catch the Express and there was another one that would be behind our subway. We just needed to get off at the next stop and wait a few minutes. So we did. We thanked the man with the interesting smile and caught the next Express.

As I sat indian-style on the hotel bed that night eating Chinese takeout with several of the girls I sincerely thanked God for His faithfulness and protection. It would have been very bad if I had not caught Serge, because I would have had no phone, no money, and no idea where my friends were going. Also, I enjoyed the adventure afterwards. :) My advice if you visit New York? Take the free map from the hotel.


*I still didn't have a souvenior and was considering one of the purses. I checked the price tag and decided that I really didn't want it. I walked out of the store only to hear someone behind me say: "You buy! For you ten dolla! Good deal!" There behind me was the lady from that store with the purse I had just looked at. "Oh, no thank you." I said with a smile assuming we were done. Half a block later she was still following me and trying to haggle the price. Mortified and not really good at confrontation, I gave in and bought the stupid purse. I never used the purse. My sisters didn't want the purse. It went to Goodwill. Moral of the story: avoid Chinatown unless you have a will of IRON.

This Little Light of Mine

I am so excited about sharing the beginning of my testimony today that I don't know how to actually begin! To be honest, I've started typing this at least a dozen times in the last month or so.

To understand my testimony you need to know about my experiences with one of my favorite things on earth: the ocean (example of my love for the ocean :)). I could listen to, smell, look at, and swim in the ocean all day. Of course, I'm a little spoiled- I prefer the clear waters of the Pacific or the gulf around Florida where I can see what's around me. Swimming in the muddy brown water of Galveston these past 10 years has been a poor substitute.

On the day my parents brought me home from the hospital as a little baby girl, they made a detour. (My Dad wanted to show me off to his coworkers...:) So the first place I ever went in my life was on board a ship. Of course I don't remember it, but I like to think that that is one of the many reasons I LOVE the ocean. My Dad was in the Navy, so I've always lived within an hour of the beach (minus 3 years in Nebraska). I have probably spent a year of my life swimming, snorkeling, building sand castles, chasing crabs, catching fish, and hunting for sea shells.

When I was about 4, my grandparents were visiting us while we lived in Monterey, CA. We took them to the beach. :) I remember the brown sand and remember wading out to my waist. On my way back to the beach, I somehow tripped in the water. I could swim, so this wasn't a problem. However there was a brutal undertow. I was close enough to the shore and the water was shallow enough that I could dig my fingers into the sand and hold my head above water. Usually the undertow would stop after a few seconds and I knew I'd be able to stand up and go about my business. This time it wasn't letting up. When the sand started to get pulled away from my hands I knew something was wrong. But I didn't cry out for help- it all happened so fast. I still remember the feel of the sand disappearing from my hands and the pull of the ocean. My Grandad happened to be close and he leaned down and grabbed me moments before I was drawn out to sea. He saved my life.

After such a traumatic moment you'd think I'd be scarred for life and refuse to touch the ocean without some form of therapy, but no. I loved the ocean too much! I was right back in it that same day. This is how God opened the door of my heart and one of the main things He used to draw me to Him.

We moved to Guam a year after my near-drowning experience- a tiny bean-shaped island near Japan. The waters and coral reefs around Guam are gorgeous! I still remember the vibrant colors. (It's also a honeymoon spot for many Asians...I remember my sisters' and my blond hair getting a lot of attention and we were in a LOT of pictures with strangers. :) Our church in Guam was on a cliff overlooking the sea. I remember climbing the porch poles for a better view and humidity so thick you felt like you were wading through it. (Trust me, Houston is NOT as bad.) One day, a little girl about my age got baptized. The church tromped down to the ocean to celebrate her baptism, but we stayed in our church clothes. Being on the beach my natural instinct was to run to the water, but my parents stopped me. "But she's swimming!" I said, completely confused. My parents had to explain this to me. We went home and I had questions. What was 'baptism'? I'd heard of Jesus, I knew about His stories, I'd listened to my parents pray- we always prayed before every meal and before going to bed.

My parents explained that baptism was a symbol. It was that little girl's way of publicly showing that she had asked Jesus to save her from her sins and that she was a Christian. There was further discussion- I don't remember much of it, only that it happened. I decided then and there that I didn't want to go to Hell. I knew that I was 'cause I'd definitely sinned- Mom didn't know about my pet baby gecko in the empty peanut butter jar that I was keeping under the living room chair...(the things you could hide when chairs and couches had cloth flaps or fringe that went down to the floor)...

I don't know if it was that same day or week, but I DO know that seeing a girl in the ocean was what God used to trigger my conversations with my parents that eventually led to me praying one night with them and asking God to forgive me of my sins (playing with fire, hiding creatures in the house, being selfish with my toys, hiding food in my napkin so I wouldn't have to eat it, etc.) and come into my life. I asked Him to take charge and make me the little girl that He wanted me to be. And I told Him that I knew because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross that I could be saved and live in Heaven someday.

I wasn't baptized in Guam. I don't know why. I would wait two years before being baptized at a small church in California.

And THAT is the beginning of my testimony. :)

Hunama Bay

Looking up at the steep edges of the island surrounding the bay I sighed in contentment. This was my fortress. My safe place. Nevermind the other 50 or so people on the beach. I grabbed my snorkel and goggles and headed towards the waves. I didn't really love my flippers- I preferred to swim barefoot, but I knew that without them the coral could cut my feet. Still, I left them by the towel this time. The morning sun combined with the scent of sunscreen and the gentle pounding of the waves was a melody I knew well.*

 

The water was cool and clear and I dug my toes in the sand to hide them from the hungry and curious fish swarming my legs. These gentle giants (they were about a foot in length) were the first to greet me. I searched the bay looking for the least populated spot. I began wading and shivered as the cool water closed over my shoulders. Dunking myself, I then fixed my goggles and snorkel and began my exploration. Fish of different colors and sizes, crabs, urchins...these were my treasures- this was my idea of a perfect day. I listened to the scraping of a parrot fish's beak against the coral as it searched for food- it's body bigger than mine. I startled myself when I rounded a wall of coral and came nose-to-nose with a bright yellow trumpet fish. He was about 5 feet long and he waited for me to move away before making a dash for another hiding spot from all the tourists. I followed schools of tangs and watched the sand gobys build their little homes on the bottom of the sea. I swam under coral arches and looked for seashells, often diving deeper to see what I could see. I hummed in my mind as I explored- never lonely. Occasionally I would have to surface and see if I was too far out- I didn't want to get too close to the walls of the bay because the tide and current made it dangerous. I also, while I didn't mind being alone, didn't want to be too far out- I had a healthy respectful fear of sharks and knew there were white-tips beyond the bay. (Not that they would probably have hurt me, still, I didn't want to find out!)

 

I did swim to the drop off- if you have ever watched Nemo you should know that drop offs exist and that is were some of the most beautiful corals are! I peered over the edge and could see the sand 40-50 feet below me. The coral was a gorgeous mix of reds, oranges, yellows and purples. I also saw a shark down there lazily swimming along the wall and decided that I'd seen plenty.

 

Once, while snorkeling with my Dad, we found a sea turtle! We had such fun swimming by her and around her- we didn't dare touch her, that's against the law. Another time, a family came to visit ours while we were living in Hawaii and we took them to our bay- I had to 'baby-sit' the older of the boys (he was about my age). I had moved about 10 feet away and noticed the some of the coral looked different. I sat there lazily floating face down, breathing through my snorkel and studying it when I realized that I could see two eyes...and a fin...and the line of the mouth...and...! It was a poisonous Devilfish. He had picked the perfect spot to catch prey and I was not about to get in his way. I backpaddled so fast until I was far enough away to wheel around and grabbing the arm of the boy, I swam as fast as a cartoon character until we reached the beach. He was a bit confused about this odd behavior until I managed, between gasps, to explain what I'd seen.

 

I dream about that bay. The many afternoons I spent there. The steep zig-zag road we had to climb up to get to our cars after all day in the sun and water. The beautiful crystal blues of the ocean. The mongoose and birds we'd see. Those were lovely, lazy, beach days. I miss the sea, so much. Especially the beautiful South Pacific.

 

If you ever visit Oahu, take some time and go snorkel at Hunama- most of the corals are brown because people used to walk on them, but there is still plenty of sea life and the edge of the bay is gorgeous.

*Fun fact: when I was born, on the way home from the hospital, my Dad left my Mom in the car and took me on board his air craft carrier to show me off. :)